Thursday, October 13, 2011
I couldn’t sleep last night I was so concerned about what I’d lost. Wide awake in my bed, I became very aware of the moon exposing light to the darkness of the night. My sleepy mind even confused the tick tick tick of the clock with the even pattern of pitter pats of raindrops barely drizzling from the sky.
Wondering if my insomnia was contagious, the dog seemed restless too. Holly moved from the foot to the head of the bed, trying to get comfortable. She turned from her stomach, her back and then her side. Finally, she fell asleep.
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Not me, my body exhausted - eyes not relaxing enough to stay closed, I went downstairs to sit in the moonlit family room. It doesn’t take long for me to start meditating about what I’ve lost. Surely, in my solitude, I can stumble upon it.
Earlier in the day my husband asked where my Christian attitude of faith, love and hope disappeared to. That hurt. Oh Man! I quickly realized I needed to find that part of me that vanished. Hence the restless night, God help me.
I was lead to this scripture from Isaiah 41:10. Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Hmm …have you met me, I talk about HOPE and speak POSITIVE ATTITUDE. Today I felt neither. I’ve been talking it, but haven’t been walking it and it’s becoming obvious to those close to me. What I’m having trouble understanding is that I’d lost my faith for myself, but not for others. I've been able to continue to pray, support and encourage those around me, just not for myself.
I forgot that my God is much bigger and stronger than the circumstances (trials) that I’ve faced personally the past couple of months. I've allowed the behaviors and emotions of others control my own.
So, I prayed like I’ve never prayed before. Psalm 142:5-7 I cry to you, O LORD; I say, You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living. Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me. Set me free from my prison, that I may praise Your name. Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me.
After some much needed ‘knee time’, I realized that the perpetual light that I describe in my writing and speaking as hope was the moonlight shining through my bedroom window. Anyone else ever make this mistake? I’m so thankful for a forgiving God.
What I saw as a distraction to my sleep was actually my Heavenly Father reminding me that I wasn’t alone. Ephesians 1:18 verifies this to me. By having the eyes of your heart flooded with light, so that you can know and understand the hope to which He has called you, and how rich is His glorious inheritance in the saints.
I feel much better and hope it will show in my attitude. I understand that I need to lift myself up to the Lord when I’m down, just as I do those around me. Please forgive me for not walking ... my own talk.
1Peter 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.
Please visit my facebook page at www.facebook.com/reflectionsofhope for daily updates and messages of hope. Feel free to leave a comment to share a time you've maybe felt hopeless and what you did to turn your despair to hope.